Suddenly, This Summer 10 // What Do I Do Without You

Homeroom teacher Lin Shu Zhen had gotten married over the May holidays. The students gifted her a set of two baby angel dolls, with pale blue wings.

“Toys today are really great, just a tiny doll can cost 150,” Li Yun Wei tsk-ed.

“You get what you pay for,” He Luo replied. “This dolls are not made of rubber, it’s all made of ceramics. Even the red on their cheeks and lips are painted on. The store owner said they won’t fade even after ten years.”

Bai Lian smiled. “Teacher Xiao Lin will only admire it for a couple of years. When she has a real doll [baby], she won’t have time for fake ones.”

“Ay.” Tian Xin who noticed Lin Shu Zhen walking past the field looked surprised. “She was still a virgin last month.”

The girls widened their eyes at Tian Xin. “What are you saying!?”

“Did I say anything wrong?” Tian Xin spread out her hands. “Don’t tell me you all fell asleep during the Health class [t/n: think sex education].”

“Oh, go away you.” Li Yun Wei asked, “Have any of you seen Teacher Lin’s husband?”

He Luo remembered what happened in the temple at the beginning of the year. She said, “I’ve met him. Both of them were originally really sweet on each other, but once they saw me, Teacher Lin immediately shoved her boyfriend away.”

“Do you know why?” Tian Xin smiled slyly. “The other day I went to the English department office and overheard the teachers quietly discussing. Teacher Lin’s boyfriend was her high school classmate. Even though their voices were very low, but I’m someone who underwent professional pitch training!”

“Ah, was that it!” Everyone understood immediately.

“If the upper beam is not straight, the lower beam will be crooked [t/n: the subordinates will imitate their superiors’ vices].”

“No wonder she never emphasised to the students not to partake in puppy romances, she herself is a bad example.” The girls laughed happily at the thought.

“She’s not considered a bad example. Teacher Lin was one of the top students in the English department back then.” He Luo motioned at the back of Teacher Lin with her chin. “Doesn’t she look quite happy now?”

“Aren’t you jealous, aren’t you envious!” Tian Xin teased. “Then hurry up and catch up to her!”

Li Yun Wei said, “He Luo, you and my seatmate are both quite straightforward people. Why is it now so ambiguous between the two of you with unnecessary fears?”

Bai Lian also added, “That’s right. The two of you can help compensate for each other’s weaknesses. When we were in primary school, isn’t there a saying that goes, ‘One help another, one group will be successful’?”

*

Remembering what they said about helping to compensate for each other’s weaknesses, He Luo asked Zhang Yuan this when they were going home together. “How was your English test yesterday?”

“Not bad. But the questions on the test are printed too small, I had to squint to answer them.” Zhang Yuan turned around, walking backwards, and made a cross-eyed face at her.

“Eh, then why can’t I do the cross-eye?” He Luo asked.

Zhang Yuan waved two fingers in front of her face. “Use your eyes separately.” As he spoke, he lessened the gap between the two fingers until they were together. “Come, slowly, you’ll reach there eventually.”

“No way, my eyes are all blurry.” After trying for a good amount of time, He Luo gave up. She frowned. “I surrender, I surrender.” She waved her hand. “I really don’t understand. You all must be non-humans. Right, there are even those who can move their ears.”

“That would be me,” Zhang Yuan replied, showing off his talent.

“You must have not evolved properly, you’re still jumping around like a big monkey.” He Luo tried to exercise her facial muscles but her ears firmly refused to move.

“Stop trying,” Zhang Yuan laughed. “Your face is being twisted this and that way, I’m worried that tonight I will be having nightmares of you.”

“Ai, we were originally talking about English!” He Luo patted her face that had gone rigid. “Which part did you feel you didn’t answer properly?”

“I think I did fairly decent in every part.” Zhang Yuan answered after some thought, “But teacher would definitely think that whatever I answer is no good.” He opened his hands with some feeling of desolation. “It’s as if the truth of liberal arts is beyond my grasp.”

“Liar. You never revised liberal arts or English subjects.”

“Da Jie [big sister], instinct is natural-born.”

“Who told you that? It’s like the instinct for the ball [game], you must practice in order for there to be any progress.” He Luo became serious and continued, “Wasn’t I really terrible at dribbling in the beginning? You kept on breaking my ball.”

“Silly girl, I can still break your ball now.” Zhang Yuan can’t help a smile remembering their days practicing together and He Luo’s satisfied face when she successfully stole the ball from him.

“Then you can only blame yourself for being an inept teacher.” He Luo scrunched her nose.

“Who told you that? You’re the student that I carefully mentored [t/n: he used a proverb saying hands holding hands], the student that I brought into the passion personally. Your cultivation is based your own aptitude.”

Hands holding hands? He Luo suddenly recalled something and held onto Zhang Yuan’s bag. “Hey, hang on. Let me ask you…” But as soon as the words reached her lips, she became self-conscious and awkward. “Never mind, I’ll let you live.”

“En, what’s the matter?”

“You… you’re doing it on purpose right.”

“What doing it on purpose?” Zhang Yuan immediately understood what she was getting at but pretended not to, just staring at her with a smile.

“Purposely helping me with the ball dribbling posture.”

“Of course I did it purposely [consciously], it’s not like I’m sleepwalking.”

“You know I’m not asking this!” He Luo lowered her head and kicked the curb. “Aiyo!” Her head accidentally hit the pole roadside and cried out in pain.

“Looks like you’re the one sleepwalking.” Zhang Yuan pulled her to him, laughing. He removed her hands that were pressing on her throbbing forehead. “Don’t rub it anymore, the more you do it, the worse it gets.”

“It really hurts. It’s even bruised.” Her tone sounded a little teary.

“Let me see.” He lifted her bangs away. “It looks okay. It’s only a little dirty in the middle.” Zhang Yuan giggled. “It hasn’t been raining the past two weeks but they really didn’t waste the grey [of the weather], it’s all on your forehead.”

“This is too embarrassing,” He Luo said.

“Let me help you.” Zhang Yuan gently wiped her forehead with the edge of his sleeve.

She remembered seeing, though not from where, that the most ideal height between a couple was when the girl’s nose was parallel to the first button of the boy’s shirt. This way, when they were hugging, she could put her arms around his shoulder. He Luo observed for a moment and decided that she was short by five centimetres. Standing in front of him, only one hug’s distance away, she had to look up in order to see the neckline of the t-shirt he wore inside his shirt.

“Will you hug her?”

“Of course I will.”

“Will you kiss her?”

“I don’t have the chance at the moment, I will try and fight for it in the future.”

She wondered, Therefore, in this busy crossing, will he hug me? With such a distance, during a kiss, would he be the one bending over or will I be the one lifting my feet? He Luo’s face reddened as she pondered over this. She was too embarrassed to look at him or his sea-blue shirt and white inner t-shirt. Her head sank lower and lower, her eyes on the red and green of the sidewalk.

“Ai, don’t lower your head, I can’t rub it anymore.” Zhang Yuan lifted her chin with a finger. “Little young lady, look up and let master, I see properly!” He put on the airs of a ruffian.

“Don’t play around.” He Luo giggled, slapping his hand away. “We’re still near the school, be careful of the teachers and students catching us.”

“It’s still bright and sunny out here, and we’re not doing anything shameful, what should we be afraid of?” Zhang Yuan crossed his arms and looked at He Luo. “Oh… you’re thinking of something, aren’t you? Your face is all red!”

“What can I think of?” He Luo retorted.

“You’re doing it on purpose, aren’t you!”

“En?”

“You’re going to pretend to hit your head, and then…” Zhang Yuan snickered. “Fortunately my mind is steady.”

“You’re itching for a beating, aren’t you!” He Luo pinched his arm. “And here am I thinking you’re quite the gentleman but now you’re a ruffian.”

“Hey, you weren’t my girlfriend in the past, I can’t exactly tease you like that.” Zhang Yuan evaded her hands. “Now you’re already my person, whether it’s flat or round, isn’t it all my say?”

“You dare!” He Luo pushed his shoulder.

“What is it that I don’t dare!” He held firmly on her hands. “Kao, it’s not a year ago when I still have to hide!”

“Oh… you, you really did it on purpose last year.” He Luo was stunned for a moment, but she didn’t let go, allowing him to hold her hands.

“I did it on purpose, what can you do about it!” He sounded arrogant, but the hint of smile was unmistakable.

“This bus is leaving the station. Passengers, please hold on tight. Bus No. 2 heading towards the Railway Museum.” Just go as you like, we still have a lot of time, we can wait for another bus, and another, and another.

“Ah, you guys!” When the bus finally moved, Zhao Cheng Jie and Gao Fang who were waiting on the opposite street saw them. Gao Fang waved at them with his hand still holding a grilled squid, shouting, “You’re done, you’re all done for! I’ll report you, I’ll report you to the teacher tomorrow!”

“Just eat your food!” Zhang Yuan shouted back. “Be careful of choking to death!” His grasp became even firmer.

He Luo can’t help her smile and, adopting his tone, shouted, “Just eat your food! Be careful of choking to death!”

*

She was still all smiles during dinner, she can’t help the side of her lips tugging. Mom also looked happy and smilingly placed more rice in her daughter’s bowl. “Why do you look so happy?”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” He Luo immediately thought of an excuse. “The teacher discussed an answer to an exam question today. I think I did very well, my results this time should better than the last time.”

“Oh, is that so. I thought your dad let the cat out of the bag.”

“What? Dad, can’t it be that you’ve entered NASDAQ [stock exchange]?” He Luo laughed. “Then bring me to New York! I want to see the World Trade Centre, Central Park, and American Museum of Natural History! Either way, I want to see all the scenes featured in Cipher!”

“You really want to go?” Dad smiled. “Wait for another year.”

“You’re entering the American market in another year?” He Luo happily placed a shrimp on Dad’s bowl. “Old Huo Ji [t/n: his name], I wish you become more prosperous with each passing day! Congratulations.”

“Look at you, so happy that you forget all sense of propriety between an elder and a junior.” Mom smiled. “You’re going to go on your own.”

“Me? Alone?” He Luo was dumbfounded.

“Yes.” Dad placed down his chopsticks. “Your uncle said he wants to help you apply for Wellesley College.”

Under the light of the antique lamp, He Luo read the Wellesley College pamphlet. One of the most well-known women’s college in America, the alma meter of Bing Xin and Song sisters, it seemed like they were legends there. In her other hand, she had a copy of Chronicles of Bing Xin: For Young Readers, a book she had read endlessly in her childhood. In that moment, it became as vibrant as an oil painting, the texture of the paint marks felt almost with her grasp.

He Luo seemed to fall into a daydream.

“Can I 100% go?” she asked her father.

“There shouldn’t be any problems,” Dad said. “Remember your uncle bringing a few friends from Greece to see the ice lantern festivals? What’s the lady’s called… the one who kept on praising you saying your English is good, the smart one.”

“Natassia,” He Luo reminded him. “It remains to be born on Christmas day.”

“Right, Nata-siya [t/n: in Chinese pronunciation]. She’s an alumni of Wellesley College and now the supervisor of oriental research in Hellenic Open University. The moment your uncle mentioned you want to study in America, she immediately agreed to recommend you to Wellesley.” Dad’s entire face was lit. “In the future you will be Bing Xin’s schoolmate.”

“Since when did I want to study in America?” He Luo frowned.

“Unless you don’t want to?” Dad couldn’t understand her. “The last time we talked about another student managing study in high school abroad, weren’t you really envious?”

Did she really not want to? Wellesley. The hostel was as beautiful and strong as a fairy tale castle, the fiery red of autumn in New England, the handsome blond men wearing kilts during St. Patrick’s Day… all these pages were opened in front of her.

Further, it was America. The vibrant and colourful New York Times Square, the Washington reflection pool where Forrest and Jenny reunited, Orlando’s Disneyland, San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge, Grand Canyon, Yellowstone Park, Niagara Falls… to say she did not want to see all of this would be a lie.

But there was something that He Luo could not put down.

“Can I not go?” She asked. “I’m a little afraid.”

“What are you scared of?”

“I have never gone that far on my own before.”

“Won’t you have to do it when you’re in university in the future? You’re already so old now, you should be independent.”

“I can’t get used to Western food.”

“Your uncle’s old classmate is in Boston and has agreed to take you as a homestay. I heard the lobsters there are especially cheap.”

“I will really, really, really miss you all.”

“You can come back every break.”

“I…” He Luo thought for a long time. “Aren’t you worried about me learning bad things in America?”

“Ha, that’s why we don’t apply anywhere but Wellesley.” Dad laughed heartily. “It’s a famous women’s college, it should be quite strict. ABC [American-born Chinese] is the limit of my tolerance, you must not bring home a blond son-in-law. Your mom and I will have a heart attack.”

This was not that she meant! What I can’t put down the most isn’t all this, He Luo screamed in her heart.

She couldn’t sleep that night, tossing and turning in her bed thinking about a particular phrase in the book she read. “An endless number of ships pass by outside the window in York, the colourful strings fluttering in the air all the way to the shore, even as the people bidding farewell held on, my heart was soaring as it wept! … I am in the fog on the lake, quietly blessing it, taking my love and comfort, and went with it to the far east. I don’t know this few hundred words, when it will reach at your doorstep, the world is indeed too wide!” 

The world is indeed too wide. If I am at one side of the earth, you are on the other side. How can my heart both soar and weep?