Suddenly, This Summer 12 // Loving You Makes Me Courageous

The rain poured endlessly, through leaking into her house through gaps [metaphor].

She had entered into the state of cold war with her parents and now even Zhang Yuan was intentionally avoiding her. She had not seen him properly for two days straight. He Luo felt she was pressed from all sides.

When results for the mathematics periodic test was revealed, He Luo did very badly. Even homeroom teacher Lin Shu Zhen was incredibly surprised and told her to see her in her office. She asked, “You actually left two major questions unanswered, what’s wrong? The mathematics teacher even boasted that you’re doing increasingly well.”

“People make mistakes sometimes,” He Luo mumbled her excuses. “I’ll now go and see the mathematics teacher for guidance.”

“Don’t leave, don’t leave.” Lin Shu Zhen stopped her. “Is there something else going on that has affected your mood?”

He Luo pressed her lips into a thin line.

“Don’t assume that just because I’m in the background, I know nothing. I know everything that you guys talk about.” Lin Shu Zhen looked a little smug. “You’re all a bunch of overgrown children. It’s nothing more than today he and she are dating and the next [another] he and she have gotten back together. I am someone who has gone through that stage of life too.”

“Do you think we are wrong?” He Luo asked. She was not satisfied, she felt wronged. Isn’t your husband also a high school classmate? Truly the winner becomes the king and the loser becomes the rebel.

“There is no one inherently wrong in this matter. But if it affects your studies, then the matter is wrong.” Lin Shun Zhen explained, “You’re all good children, don’t make the matter complicated. I have also opened an eye, and closed another. Why do you have to score so badly in your exams, and let this be an ammo to other teachers and parents? If I don’t talk to you now, wouldn’t I be an accomplice too?”

Lin Shu Zhen was doubtlessly correct. The tests and exams need the signature of a parent. He Luo didn’t have the guts to just ask a random uncle on the street and mimic her father’s signature. So when she showed Dad the results, she saw how red his face was. His eyebrows were knitted tightly together. He only sighed but before he could say anything, He Luo interrupted. “Dad, don’t say anything. I know what you want to say.”

Naturally he would earnestly plead for her to go to Wellesley, considering that her current relationship was already affecting her results.

He Luo returned to her own room and slammed her door shut. She grabbed the stack of newly bought mathematics revision books sitting on her desk. What Hai Dian [school’s name], Hua Gang, Dong Bei third school – she really wanted to tear them all to pieces. Inside, she secretly said, Fine, fine. You all want me to go to America, then I don’t even have to sit for the university entrance examination. I will play around for this entire year and get a bunch of zeros for the exams, and see if Wellesley still want me!

But she couldn’t bear to do anything to the new revision books. Will she really give up like this? And give up on her future completely? And be unable to look up in front of her parents and teachers? And just let them protest her relationship and grow further apart from Zhang Yuan each day?

*

Li Yun Wei complained, “He Luo, you’re getting more boring. You don’t even play with us anymore and don’t talk to my seatmate. Each day you’re only facing your mathematics books, endlessly accompanying them.”

Tian Xin said, “Ai, the two of them have some conflict. You should argue in the front of the bed, reconcile at the end. Why do you treat each other like invisible every day?” As soon as she finished, she immediately jumped away, fearing He Luo rushing to her and squeezing her cheeks. A proper young girl who suddenly became a snout under He Luo’s claws, that would really destroy her image.

He Luo only raised an eyebrow at her. “I’m going to the library.”

“Hey, Zhang Yuan and the others are having a match in the court. Aren’t you going to support him?” Tian Xin yelled after her.

“It’s useless.” Bai Lian helplessly shook her head. “But she actually talked to me for half an hour yesterday.”

“What did she say?”

“Hyperbola, parabola, coordinate transformation, polar coordinate.”

*

When she walked past the basketball court, He Luo hesitated in her steps. Must not see, must persevere! Hugging her books tightly to her chest, she cheered herself up. Not watching him play today is so that there would be more opportunities to watch him play in the future!

But she was still unable to stop herself. Before she entered the library, very briefly she searched for a glimpse of him. It was not difficult to find him on the court, even as far away as he was. She was unable to trace his features this far away but his every little movement was deeply imprinted in her mind. It was as if her eyes were radars, targeting him in the shortest time possible.

Intently, she watched with longing.

An examination that had to be done in 120 minutes took He Luo almost three hours. Further, there was a question worth 20 marks that she was unable to solve. She did not move at all as she studied. Only when she was packing up did she realise her legs were all numb.

7 pm. There was still a faint trace of light. In the court there was still a silhouette of a boy shooting hoops. It took only a brief glance for her to see who it was.

“Come over and play!” Zhang Yuan yelled.

“It’s already this dark, I can’t see well!”

“Come and loosen your muscles. You’ve been daydreaming these few days, you look like you’re going to rust anytime to me.”

“I’m not daydreaming, I’m doing questions!” He Luo lifted the ball and threw it into the hoop. The ball hit the frame and rebounded with a loud clang.

“You’re obviously daydreaming. You don’t talk either.”

“It’s you who don’t talk to me!” He Luo was angry. “Fine, fine. Then do you have anything to tell me?”

Zhang Yuan asked, “Have you seen Space Jam? Inside there was a line that said when you make a wish as you dunk, that wish will come true.”

He Luo retrieved the ball, dusted it, and shot again. All three did not made it in. “Waste of my time. I’m leaving.”

“Do you know why you couldn’t get it in?” Zhang Yuan held the ball next to his waist. “You used too much strength and did not angle it properly. In the first place girls have lesser strength, they have to be gentle and aim at an exact angle, pointing at the hoop. Your eyesight has to be further [t/n: double meaning].”

“I’m short-sighted, I can’t see far,” He Luo replied. “What are you trying to say?”

“Do you what wish did I make earlier?” Zhang Yuan smiled.

She shook her head and thought, is it that you don’t want me to go to Wellesley?

“My wish is that in the future I can watch Jordan play in the NBA live with you. Worse comes to worst, you can go to America first. I will apply again after graduating university. Isn’t it just four years? You will definitely come home in between, won’t you?” Zhang Yuan said. “Do you believe in me? Do you in believe in yourself?”

He Luo softly nodded, and then shook her head again. In her opinion, her feelings were as firm as they can be but why do they have to part? Must they experience the pain of longing after separation?

He continued, “I know you did badly in your tests this time. I will help you catch up. If I caused any obstacles to your future, I can’t bear the consequences.”

He Luo was angered. “You didn’t talk to me the past few days, it’s because you’re afraid of bearing the responsibility for asking me to stay, isn’t it?”

“Such words are truly hurtful.” Zhang Yuan kept a poker face. “This responsibility is too heavy. I can’t afford to provide for you… you’re such a glutton.”

The both of them stared at each other for a moment before laughing.

She said, “You wanted to say that my eyesight is short and narrow, isn’t it? I have already thought about it. From today onwards I want to put more effort into my studies. If I can manage to get into Tsing Hua University, maybe I won’t have to attend Wellesley anymore.”

“I won’t give my opinion. I will only support your decision.” Zhang Yuan said, “These few days I stopped myself from talking to you, so that I won’t influence your decision.”

“Then why are you waiting for me here today?”

“I’m worried that you would spit fire after not being able to do your questions and then set the library on fire.”

He Luo chased Zhang Yuan around the court for that comment. He was laughing heartily, easily jumping over the flower beds. A person who was walking out of the classes building nearly crashed into him.

“Ah, sorry teacher,” Zhang Yuan immediately apologised.

He Luo’s surprised voice came from behind him. “Dad…”

*

At home, Mom kept on nagging. “Even if you’re revising at school, you have to give us a call. Do you know how worried we are? Just see, you have completely changed.”

She glanced at Dad but he only ate his dinner quietly.

He Luo turned on table lamp and placed her books neatly on the surface. Dad sat on the sofa behind her, holding a newspaper.

“Don’t disturb your daughter doing her revision,” Mom said. “Help clean the dishes.”

“I’m checking Luo Luo’s classwork.” Dad put aside the newspaper and walked in front of the table, flipping the books on it.

He Luo looked up and quietly said, “Dad, this is chemistry, can you understand it?”

Dad turned around and sat back down on the sofa. He didn’t say anything, only staring straight at his daughter.

“Dad, do you have something to say?” He Luo sighed to herself. Why are all men like this, always hiding their thoughts in their heart? Fair enough that Zhang Yuan that narcissist is like this, but dad is that legendary speaker from the history department. When he is debating with someone, he is able to quote anyone.

“Was that him?” Dad asked.

“En.”

“He’s quite tall.”

“En.”

Silence, and more silence.

“I don’t know how to put this.” Dad massaged his hands, loosening the strained muscles. “I have never dealt with such things before. Before I could prepare myself, you’ve already grown up.”

“Haven’t you and mom made your decision?” He Luo snorted.

“We want you to go to America not because you’re in a relationship with him but because we truly thinking of your wellbeing. It just so happens the two things happen at the same time,” Dad explained. “Wellesley was brought up by your uncle. Your mom and I didn’t have any prior knowledge.”

“But you two looked at my diary!” The second she thought about it, she felt wronged.

“We didn’t do it on purpose. Your desk is so messy, that’s why your mom went and cleaned it. But you both are still being responsible and didn’t do anything that isn’t appropriate.”

“We’re responsible, but what about you?” He Luo retorted angrily. “You still won’t admit that you’ve made a mistake?”

Dad frowned. “We apologise. We really did violate your privacy. But nowadays you won’t tell us anything. For instance, the reason why you transferred to the science stream. It’s such a huge issue but you just lied to us like that.”

“I know that even if I tell you, you would’ve disagreed! Fine. I’ll tell you my opinion now. You have to promise me you’ll listen to me until the end calmly.” She called her mother over so they can listen together.

Mom shook her head. “Never mind. I’m a neutral party, I don’t want to participate.”

“After you missed this conversation, you won’t hear this from me anymore. I’ll only say this once,” He Luo said. “You all treat me like a child. Can you just listen to me patiently for once, and not become impatient halfway through and call me naïve?”

“You kept on saying you’re doing this for me, kept on saying a parent won’t harm his own child. But have you considered what I truly want? I want to attend Wellesley, that’s true. But I won’t be upset even if I can’t go. After all it’s such a faraway dream.” He Luo felt a little uncomfortable, but persisted. “You like to say that I shouldn’t date this early, that I will find someone even better in the future. But why don’t you consider my feelings? Have you experienced the feeling of really liking someone in your youth? I feel like that he’s the best person for me. I don’t think I’ll find someone better in the future either. And I know, if I separate with him now, I won’t be happy in the coming years.”

“You kept saying that dating early would affect my studies. But just look at my science subjects, I have been doing progressively well, isn’t that right? It’s only this time that I did poorly but that’s because we’re about to be separated. If you insist on sending me to America, whether there will be even more serious matters, I can’t say.”

Mom was both angry and amused. “Are you threatening us, Luo Luo?”

“I know you want to laugh. Go ahead,” she said. “Why do you have to learn my thoughts from my diary? There are many things that I don’t tell you because those are things that are private to me. Even if I say it out loud, not only will there not be any support, you will even laugh at me!”

Mom and Dad exchanged glances.

“There won’t be any parents who would agree with this,” Dad said. “How is it possible that we support you?”

“Just wait for my final exams!” He Luo said. “I will prove it to you that my decision to transfer to the science stream is not wrong. And that us being together will not have impact on my studies.”

“Okay. You promised.” Dad smiled. “From now onwards, you can only improve in ranking and cannot fall. Even if you drop one ranking, there is no need for there to discuss about going overseas anymore.”

Then that means there is still room for negotiation now? He Luo couldn’t help smiling through her tears. She couldn’t wait to call Zhang Yuan and tell him the good news. “If I knew this earlier, I would have started from the bottom ranking. Then I can improve my ranking each time for sure.”

*

Returning to their bedroom, Mom lamented, “Why did you gave her hope?”

“I went to the school today and met Teacher Lin. She said Zhang Yuan is a good child, very smart and sensible,” Dad said. “Further she said something that made me felt emotional. She said a relationship established at this age, if it continues until the end, is something that is very rare. It is also something that very blissful.”

“This Teacher Lin is such a hopeless romantic,” Mom complained.

“You’ve really forgotten after you’re gotten old.” Dad patted his wife’s hand. “We both seemed to be junior high school mates.”

“Who’s together with you during junior high school?” Mom smiled. “Back then you’re not even as tall as I am!” She then asked, “Then what about going overseas?”

“Let’s see how it goes. Luo Luo has been quite obedient this past two years but her stubbornness knows no bounds. Things that she insists on she will persist until the very end,” Dad said. “We can only support her and not block her path. What if one day she runs away from home, it would be too late for us to regret by then.”

Mom also became worried over that prospect.

When He Luo was still young and unwilling to go to kindergarten, standing in front of the door, she held onto her mother’s shirt and refused to let go. Seeing that they were about to be late and potentially ruin their perfect attendance record, Mom pulled her daughter and shoved her to the teacher. Little He Luo didn’t say anything and waved at her from behind the fence. She said, “You have to come earlier and pick me up. I’ll obediently wait for you.”

An hour had barely passed before the kindergarten teacher made a frantic call to their home, saying that He Luo had gone missing. They went searching for her throughout the entire street, even mobilising the neighbourhood’s committee members. At the end, it was Grandma living in the suburbs sending Uncle into the city to explain that He Luo has ran to them and refused to go home.

When Mom saw He Luo again, first she wept and then spanked He Luo. He Luo pressed her lips tightly together, refusing to make any noise. When she found the opportunity, she continued to run. Even the kindergarten teacher was used to it. Often the teacher would get into her car and yell after He Luo: “Luo Luo, come back, today you don’t have to nap anymore!”

“Who did she inherit this nasty temper from?” Mom asked worriedly. “It’s not good for a girl to have such a strong personality. I’m always worried that she would be disadvantaged in the future.”

[artwork by Heo Jiseon]