Suddenly, This Summer 20 // Precipitation

In the evening of December 30, He Luo pathetically squeezed her way into the packed train, her hair completely soaked with sweat.

Daytime in Beijing was very warm, reaching 12 to 13 degrees at noon. When He Luo went to buy her train ticket, she didn’t even wear her woolen coat. The warmth of the oncoming southeast wind sweeping into the tiny gaps of her sweater made her very fluttery. It was like spring has come. In that moment, He Luo truly felt reluctant to leave Beijing.

“I’m going to miss my first new year celebration here,” she sighed.

“Stop pretending.” Zhou Xing Yan glanced at her. “Look at your small and big bags. Are you really only going home for three days?”

“She’s not even going home.” Ye Zhi laughed. “Remember, she has been invited to your home. Don’t speak wrongly.”

“Did you manage to get a return ticket?” Tong Jia Ying asked. “There will be a test in Philosophy of Mao class on the 3rd. When are you going to start preparing for it?”

He Luo patted her bag. “I brought all my study material with me. It’s about 30 hours to and fro, that’s more than enough time for me to revise. I’ve already put Zhang Yuan’s pager number behind the door. If anything happens, call me immediately.”

“Fine. We’ll call [kou] you.” Zhou Xing Yan pursed her lips. “Kou, kou, kou, I’ll kou [hit] you to death! Why must you say you’re going to my home? If your parents find out I’m your accomplice, I am dead meat! There are only about 20 days more to go before the holidays. If you don’t go back, will you suffocate to death?”

Ye Zhi laughed out loud. “Don’t you understand He Luo’s intentions? Just look at the clothes she packed. You know she’s going home to make her presence known.”

Just thinking how she would be able to meet Zhang Yuan in a dozen of hours made her heart sing with delight. From the bus to the subway, all the twists and turns she took to reach the train station made her want to stick out her tongue from the humidity.

No wonder other people would dress for convenience when travelling, wearing sneakers and placing their boots in the backpack, wearing jeans and putting their skirts in the luggage. She couldn’t fit her down jacket inside her bag so she had to wear it… sitting in the train, He Luo took out her notes. Thanks to the fan, her brain cooled enough to finally think. Her heart felt empty out of the sudden.

Why did she insist on returning during the three days new year break? Did she really miss him so much that she couldn’t even be patient for another 20 days? No, that wasn’t the case.

Was it to prove her own existence? Zhang Yuan was an attention-grabbing boy. She can imagine there would be many girls who would like him, whether openly or secretly. Naturally she would not stand and shout that Zhang Yuan was hers and everyone should back off. But she wanted other girls to see the way Zhang Yuan looked at her, how gentle and deep his gaze was, so that they would understand how difficult it was to separate them and give up.

Showing off like this was not a sign of self-confidence. What was it that she didn’t believe in? What exactly was it? He Luo was unwilling to think too deeply.

The things she dared not contemplate seemed to increase in number. But there was something there required no second thought. She loves Zhang Yuan.

She really, really loves him.

She loves him so much that she had never once thought she would lose this love.

Even if the novelty of her new life bury her longing, his figure would inadvertently leap into her mind every now and then. A falling leaf, a gust of wind; a sunset and a song. When she thought of him, the taste of sweetness and sourness would entangle.

He is mine, I am his.

We should be together, so blissful that world will look on and feel envious.

The morning air in her hometown was cold and frigid. He Luo breathed in deeply, the piercing cold air travelled from her nose into her lungs. This feeling of long absence, she can only call it a kind of frosty cold. The chilly air mixed with her hot breath made her want to sneeze. When she turned her head, she saw the waiting figure of Zhang Yuan and she immediately stopped.

He Luo was in train no. 12 but left through train no. 11’s exit to get him to quicker. But funnily, Zhang Yuan was approaching train no. 13 to find her. He looked a little anxious yet hopeful, standing on tiptoes while being so tall made him look somewhat silly.

He Luo liked this kind of Zhang Yuan. Following the crowd, she steathily found her ways behind Zhang Yuan. She made a pistol sign and poked him in the waist. Lowering her voice, she said, “Raise your hands! Don’t move!”

“Ah!” His smile carried traces of laughter. “Please have mercy on me on account that I have to take care of the old and young in my household.” He obediently raised his hands in sign of surrender. “Are you going to rob both my money and innocence? If you’re aiming for money, this humble person has nothing to speak of. If you’re aiming for my innocence, then I’ll reluctantly give myself to you…”

“Pei! Who’s robbing whose innocence then!” He Luo hit his back with a fist.

Zhang Yuan snickered, shoulders raising and dropping as he laughed. He turned to take He Luo’s luggage and placed it on his shoulders. His hand reached for He Luo’s. The station was packed with people so He Luo held tightly onto his arm. “Something about you changed,” she said. “Why is your chin so square now?”

“Don’t I look more good looking now?” Zhang Yuan replied. “You’ve also changed, why have your chin become so round? Somemore it’s a double chin.”

“Ah, is there?” He Luo reached for her chin. “Where? Liar!”

“I think it’s a matter of time.” Zhang Yuan laughed. “Are there a lot of people on the train?”

“It’s okay, I have a seat. There’s even an empty seat next to me. It’s just that the heater is too warm, causing me to sweat.”

“Look at how many things you’re carrying. It’d be stranger not to sweat.” He glanced at the paper bags he was carrying. “Huh, here I was wondering why it’s so heavy. You brought oranges? There’s even so many of them.”

“Yeap. Blood oranges and navel oranges. They’re both delicious.”

“Don’t they sell it here?”

“But it won’t be the ones I always eat in the dorm.” He Luo looked up, smiling at Zhang Yuan. “I want you to try them.”

“You’re really a silly girl.” He tightened his grip on her hand.

*

The girls’ dorm of the provincial university was guarded strictly. Boys were banned from stepping in at all. The two of them carried the luggage all the way to the concierge and came across Zhu Ning Li who was leaving the building. She looked surprised to see such a sight. Zhang Yuan took the initiative to greet her. “Hey Chocolate, come and meet your saviour.”

“You’re still calling me that!?” Zhu Ning Li shook the thermos she was carrying at him. “I’ll beat you up so bad your girlfriend can’t recognise you!”

“Even if you want to beat me up or kill me, you have to do me a favour first.” Zhang Yuan pulled the luggage he was holding. “I can’t enter.”

“It’s okay, I can take them,” He Luo said. “Room 3124, right?”

“It’s the room opposite mine. Whose bed did you borrow? Why didn’t she come and help you with the luggage?” Zhu Ning Li asked. “Anyway I’m going to go study.”

Zhang Yuan handed her the room keys. “Didn’t she go home for the festivals? If not, where can I find an empty bed for her?” He handed her two oranges. “Please, please. I’ll give you these.”

He Luo tugged at his sleeve. “Don’t bother someone else. I can really carry them, didn’t I bring them all the way here from my university?”

“Then forget it.” Zhang Yuan glanced at Zhu Ning Li, shrugging. “I’ll take back the oranges.”

“You’re really…” He Luo patted him with a smile. Looking into her bag, she took out another two oranges. “These female round navel oranges are better tasting, they’re sweeter.”

“Ah, there are genders to oranges?” Zhu Ning Li took the oranges from He Luo and placed them in the pocket of her coat. “Thanks a lot! I won’t take your gift without doing anything. Let me take you upstairs.” She then turned around and glared at Zhang Yuan. “This is me giving face to your girlfriend, not selling a favour to you!”

Zhu Ning Li remembered how during class meeting, Zhang Yuan had slowly stood up. “If I smile at you everyday, do you think you’ll feel secure?” There was even a hint of laughter in his words. But when he was handing her the oranges earlier, the corners of his lips were curved. He was smiling from his heart, a smile that reflected his happiness. Was this boy in front of her truly the cold and aloof Zhang Yuan? His expression was warm, his entire self radiated sunshine. When she showed He Luo the way in, she discreetly turned around to look at Zhang Yuan. So it turned out that when Zhang Yuan smiled, he looked really good.

Zhang Wei Rui’s bed was filled with clothes. When Zhu Ning Li entered, she shouted, “Ha! I thought I had teleported to the Golden Sun Street. Are you opening a concert today?”

“It’s you who said your course doesn’t have many girls and told me to go and make up in numbers.” Zhang Wei Rui showed her a pure white shirt with a leaf print. “If I wear this with that dusty pink striped sweater and tweed skirt, would I look okay?”

“First, that outfit will look quite cute. Second, I invited the English faculty girls to join us. It’s you who overheard and wanted to join.” Zhu Ning Li cleared her throat and continued, “And third, it’s better if you don’t go.”

“Why?”

“He Luo is here. She has just reached, she’s staying opposite us.”

“He Luo?”

“Yes. Don’t tell me you haven’t heard this name before.”

Zhang Wei Rui sighed lightly. “And here I thought anything serious happened. I’ve long known that Zhang Yuan has a long-distance girlfriend. I’ve already said, I only think that having a brother like him is nice. Did you think I’m going to your faculty’s dance for him?”

Zhu Ning Li contemplated for a moment. “Okay then, you can go.” She smiled. “You can’t not go!”

Leaving the dorm, Zhu Ning Li felt angry at herself. She felt that her action was a little cruel. But a short period of despair is better than a long one. She desperately tried to convince herself that what she was doing is right. She has to nip such emotions at the bud, once and for all. Zhang Wei Rui was a child who was even afraid of going to the dentist’s. To push her like this shouldn’t be wronging her.

*

“Do you know how to dance?” Zhang Yuan asked He Luo.

“I know a little. I’ve learned the male steps before. What about you?”

“Of course, of course I know how to dance!” Zhang Yuan laughed. “But I only know some folk dances. Forget about it, let’s go.”

He Luo caught his hand, gently swaying it. “I’ve never danced with you.”

“Isn’t it just hugging and embracing each other?” Zhang Yuan moved closer to her ear. “I’ll let you do whatever you want to me later, isn’t that enough?”

He Luo stared at him. “No.”

“Then, will you let me do whatever I want to you?” His foot was stepped on.

He Luo raised her leg, revealing the heel of her shoe. “If you keep going, I’ll step for real.”

Zhang Yuan sighed. “Big sis, I really dance very poorly. I’ll ruin your romantic fantasy.” The two of them stood on the sidelines of the dance floor, both a little rigid. His faculty had invited a few more experienced dancers for demonstration. Zhang Yuan glanced at them warily, before extending his hand to He Luo.

He Luo instinctively held onto his right arm, extending her left hand. She found herself in the same posture as Zhang Yuan. With a sudden realisation, she changed her posture into the lady’s.

“If I’ll embarrass myself today, then so be it,” Zhang Yuan said. “I’ll throw all my pride out. I’ll count to three and we’ll make the most basic steps.”

“Side step, is it?” Since she had once learned, she still vaguely remembered the name of the move.

“One, two, three.” Zhang Yuan followed the beat of the song. “Let’s go.”

“Aiyo.” The both of them shouted at the same time. He Luo actually made the men’s step causing them to crash into each other, with her left foot firmly stepping on his right foot. “Look at what others are doing! You’re supposed to take a step back,” Zhang Yuan said. “Really stupid!”

He Luo was so embarrassed her face reddened.

The two of them stared at each other, exchanging glances for a long time, before finally bursting into laughter. They hugged each other gently.

*

Zhang Wei Rui retreated to a chair in a corner to sit down, she was already tired. The melodious tune, the flying skirts, affectionate glances, bewitchingly romantic atmosphere. Everything felt unreal. His aloof expression, his indifference, the detached air that he carried. Wasn’t that Zhang Yuan the real Zhang Yuan?

And yet the moment she appeared, his winter has ended. The moment she spoke, the entire world smiled for her. The skies emptied, the Antarctic glaciers melted, melting into surging waves, drowning Zhang Wei Rui… Her heart ached. Something was squeezing her heart, making her clench her fists tightly.

Jealousy. It was jealousy.

Zhang Wei Rui turned around and walked out the door.

Winter in the north was truly cold. The sensation of the piercing north wind sweeping her face felt like she was carved with a knife-like pain. She desperately tried to wipe her eyes, her tears had already frozen into crystals. Standing in the hallway, the moonlight shone on her, like a midnight neon. Lovely but deserted.

Winter in the north was truly cold.

Zhang Yuan’s aloofness was even more so.

But it was the way he smiled at someone else that felt the coldest.

Perhaps it was also that brilliant smile that moved Zhang Wei Rui’s heart. From that moment, she keenly understood that calling him her brother was only her lying to herself. That girl named He Luo presented this new Zhang Yuan in front of her, only to take him away like the wind. She opened the door to heaven and said, “Have you seen this, have you seen, have you…” and then promptly closed it.

The world has plunged into purgatory since.

*

Five minutes. Ten minutes. The refined-looking girl has yet to return. He Luo was a little worried as she glanced at the lavender coat hanging at the corner.

“What are you looking at?” Zhang Yuan followed her eyesight towards the jacket.

“Nothing.” He Luo forced a smile. Lowering her head, she realised she didn’t feel the satisfaction that she thought she would. She was like a warrior, valiantly rushing over the battleground to battle her imaginary enemy who turned out to be a charming girl. She became a coy girl beside Zhang Yuan, every end of her conversation was a high-pitched “Ge~”

She wanted to get rid of her.

She wanted to retrieve her lost pride.

But the girl did not give her that satisfaction. The girl’s eyes gradually become watery, her expression became bewildered and restless. Without a word, she simply turned and ran away.

That girl, too, has a genuine smile, genuine tears. What right did He Luo have to show off, hurting the girl with her happiness? She bit her lip, desperately questioning herself in her mind. Dancing with Zhang Yuan, hugging him, wasn’t this something unquestionably natural? Even if she was deliberately showing this sight to that girl, did she do anything wrong?

Chaos. Her heart was in turmoil.

“Did anyone see Wei Rui?” Zhu Ning Li asked after she returned from the washroom.

Gathering her courage, He Luo walked over to Zhu Ning Li to answer her. “Perhaps she has returned. Go and take a look.”

Zhu Ning Li pondered for a moment before walking out the door with doubt.

“Ai, there’s her coat here.” He Luo handed her Zhang Wei Rui’s lavender coat. Zhu Ning Li accepted it and, as if suddenly understanding something, glared at her darkly.

“We should also leave.” He Luo turned towards Zhang Yuan.

Walking towards the stairs, he suddenly spoke. “Were you watching Zhang Wei Rui earlier? Do you know her?” The light stretched over his head, creating fine lines of light on his hair, and stretched his shadow that seemed to go on and on.

*

By the time Zhu Ning Li found Zhang Wei Rui in their room, she found her warming her hands on a bowl of instant noodles. The heat made her nose drip and she wiped it with paper towels. “It’s cold outside. Do you also want a bowl?”

“You scared me!” Zhu Ning Li threw Zhang Wei Rui’s coat on her bed. “I was really worried I would find you frozen into popsicles tomorrow morning.”

“I was planning to walk around but it was too cold outside so I came back.” Zhang Wei Rui forced a laugh. “I cried outside. Look at my eyes, it’s all frozen.” Her voice choked and the rim of her eyes reddened.

“If you want to cry, just cry.” Zhu Ning Li sat next to her friend, grinding her teeth. “I knew this would happen. That woman really is vicious.” She fell silent for a moment before sighing. “But she didn’t do anything wrong. They are a couple, to embrace each other in such an environment is just natural. You, on the other hand, are not living up to your words. You even said you didn’t fall in love with him at first sight.”

“You, you still want to lecture me!” Zhang Wei Rui got angry. “I’m already suffering this much! Do you believe I’ll just go and jump from this building now?”

“Go ahead!” Zhu Ning Li pushed her shoulder. “Hurry up and go! If you can’t even move on from little things like this, then you might as just die right now. What does this even matter? In one’s life, there are so many things that are more upsetting.”

“You still call yourself my friend!”

“I don’t have such a mentally insufficient friend,” Zhu Ning Li said. “Let’s see if you’ll just dream up what siblings fantasy dream! Now you have to wake up, okay?”

*

He Luo and Zhang Yuan walked towards the concierge, where the gap in the door swept cold wind inside.

“He Luo…” Zhang Yuan halted his steps, hesitant.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I shouldn’t be so provocative [obvious].”

“You weren’t being provocative.” But you did it on purpose.

“But I… did it on purpose,” she admitted. “Gracious, considerate, intimate… all that I wanted them to notice.”

Zhang Yuan understood He Luo’s thoughts keenly. There were a lot of their high school friends near He Luo, it was inevitable that some of his gossip would end up at He Luo’s ears. That included the news of a sweet young girl who chased him around calling him “Ge”. Thus he wrote to her, so she could know directly from him. That was still better than her hearing an embellished version from someone else.

I have told you every detail. What more do you want? He Luo, oh He Luo. You don’t trust yourself, you don’t trust me either, he thought. 

“We were always this intimate, why do we have to put an act for others to see?” Zhang Yuan slowly said.

You have come back, I’m happy about that. I also want to be together with you every hour of the day. I was so happy I couldn’t sleep for an entire night, even the cold north wind felt warm as I waited for you at the station. Yet you travelled miles to come here, was it because you missed me, or because you doubted me?

All these words hovered in his mind, but he ultimately did not say anything. The cold wind seeping from the door gap was enough to clear up his mind. He heard He Luo sigh. “That’s because I care about you, because I like you.” Her forehead fell on his back. “Because I love you.”

In that moment, his heart had never felt warmer and softer. Zhang Yuan turned around to embrace He Luo in his arms. “I know. I understand,” he said. Didn’t she ultimately come back? Isn’t it because she cares about him? Isn’t it because they can’t lose each other!?

Kissing her forehead, Zhang Yuan said, “I love you too.” Truly. He loves her so much, his love was not in any way lesser than hers.

“I was jealous, I was being petty…” He Luo’s voice was small and helpless.

“Ah, I like you when you’re being jealous.” Zhang Yuan laughed softly. “I’ve once said, you’re especially cute when you’re jealous.” He had really once said it, but at that point in time Zhang Yuan was unafraid of her being jealous and was thoroughly confident in himself.

But now there was something he feared.

He Luo’s distrust.

Because, in He Luo’s heart, he was no longer the invincible Zhang Yuan. This thought made him felt cold to his core, so cold that he trembled.

*

The snow they trampled on squeaked under their weight. “Go back and change into warmer clothes,” Zhang Yuan said. “Later on we still have to welcome the new year.”

He Luo returned to her borrowed room to change into a pair of jeans and boots. Just as she was about to step out the door, a snowball flew and hit her on the back of her neck. The snowball scattered upon collision, falling through the gap in her collar, melting from her body heat.

“Ah!” It was so cold that she trembled. She turned and saw Zhang Yuan, waving at her with a smile.

He Luo harrumphed and speedily bent over, scrapping the nearby snow to make a snowball. Zhang Yuan raised his hand to defend against her attack. With a few quick steps, he ran quite far away. He Luo threw another snowball at him.

“You’re still attacking me!” He laughed. “Didn’t you see I’m not retaliating?”

“Ah, then am I to let you throw a snowball down my neck for nothing?”

“Even if I stand here without moving an inch, you won’t even be able to hit me.” Zhang Yuan laughed, facing the endless attacks of snowballs. He intercepted one, and returned fire, hitting He Luo’s coat. “Can you see the gap between us? Your aim is too bad, so you’ll just have to live with being a moving target.”

“Ha, bullying people just because you’re from the basketball team!” He Luo rounded the snowball in her hands. “You’re the one who said you won’t run.” With a wide grin, she said, “If I can’t hit you this far away, then isn’t it just fine if I go closer?”

Seeing her approaching figure, Zhang Yuan smoothly bent sideways. “Even if you’re going to be the villain, you shouldn’t be so petty.” His laughter rang through the night.

He Luo’s eyes glazed over and she suddenly slipped. “There isn’t any grip to my shoes, it’s so slippery. Come and help me.”

“Is your leg stuck in the snow? So shameful.” Zhang Yuan smiled. “Look at you, like a penguin. Oh right, there’s not much difference between you and a fat little penguin. Almost the same.”

“I don’t want to play with you anymore!” He Luo got angry and turned around to leave.

“Then you don’t want to see the snowman I made?”

“Where?”

“You want to see?” Zhang Yuan pointed at the snowball she was holding. “Put down your weapon and put both your hands behind your back. Slowly walk over.”

“So fast?” He Luo saw the two snowmen in the empty area behind the building. There were no marks for their nose, there were just two names on them. She was in a mild disbelief. “You made this when I was changing upstairs? In 20 minutes?”

Zhang Yuan smiled and grasped her hand in his. He pulled her to the other side. Eyes made from briquettes, nose from carrot sticks. So it turned out she was viewing the snowmen from behind. “You went up for so long. See, they even have a kid now.” Between the two snowmen, there was a little baby made from snow.

He Luo giggled. “I remember winter last year, a bunch of third years made a row of snowmen on the field. The closer we get to third year, the more we hang onto our childlike innocence.”

“Who said? I made snowmen in my first year and second too.” Zhang Yuan laughed. “Do you want to try? I’ll teach you how to build one quickly.”

“Okay.”

Zhang Yuan squatted down, patting the top of the snow baby’s head. “Good child, your mom is here. Very soon you’ll have siblings to play with.”

The north wind behind the building, the faint whistling sound, the dim streetlights, all that made her felt warmth. He Luo’s mittens were wet from playing with snow, so she stuffed them into her pocket. Her fingers and palm were already turning red but she was still diligently carving her masterpiece.

He smiled as he watched her work, as if he was able to forget about the past, and not think about the future.

The clock struck at midnight before dissolving into silence.

It had been yet another year.

[illustration by Choi Mi Kyung]