Suddenly, This Summer 28 // Running Away [END]

He Luo and her family spent winter in Sanya, in the endlessly clear sky of the city. She flew in the sea of clouds, besides her ears were the sound of Wang Men Ling’s Kapok Road. Ah, love was indeed like Kapok Road. Once the seasons passed, it also withered. She did not have many regrets. The gentle sea breeze had soothed much of her heart, cleaned all the distracting and troublesome thoughts in her mind, and threw the heavy winter behind her.

Looking at the stars, at the sea, and finally at the ends of the earth.

Who coined the phrase “when one is frustrated with love, the casino would be greatly overjoyed”? This was really the truth.

In the gamble of applying for study abroad, He Luo had won the first round. On the third day she came to Hainan, she opened her inbox and saw two acceptance emails.

Zhang Yuan couldn’t reach He Luo anywhere. She didn’t answer her cellphone and no one answered at her home. When the classmates met up over the spring festival, Tian Xin coldly looked at him and asked, “Why are you still looking for He Luo?”

“I’ll probably be working in Beijing in the future. Perhaps I’ll be there before you even graduate,” he said.

“That has nothing to do with He Luo.” Tian Xin was filled with frustration and anger. “She’s going overseas, don’t you know? She has already received full scholarship offers from several universities.”

Zhang Yuan frowned. Everything was different from his original plan. Wasn’t it going well? The two of them cared for each other, and his career was on the rise. When he was at his lowest point, He Luo never left. Why did she avoid him and disappear now that the bitter pain of separation was finally nearing its end?

“He Luo’s love for you is already spent. Perhaps, if you’ve asked a little sooner, she would give up everything for you. But now, she is no longer that innocent and strong,” Tian Xin angrily said. “Promise. Was it so hard for you to give her a promise?”

“Back then I don’t even have the present, much less the future. What can I promise her?”

“You should at least shown her your sincerity. If you love her, you should’ve told her. Did you think she’s a worm in your belly? Did you think she can experience all your ups and downs and understand your feelings completely?”

He Luo had received her passport and was getting ready to apply for her visa. Her parents were so happy that they agreed she could dye her hair. The little hairstylist insisted that she dye it a deep purple and said, “A cool colour like purple is in these days. Blonde is out-dated.”

He Luo flatly refused the suggestion and said, “I still prefer hair colours that can grow on human hair.”

She spent four hours bleaching and dying her hair and only made it home at around 10 pm. When Dad picked her up from the hair salon, he was unhappy to see her ombred wine-coloured hair. He said it was too damaging for his hair. He Luo flipped her hair and said, “The colouring is not bad. While I’m still young, I want to be as conceited as I want to while I still can.”

Dad looked at He Luo in surprise. At home, he persuaded his wife to talk to their daughter. “Look at He Luo joking and playing around every day. She even did something unusual for her. Do you think there’s something on her mind?”

When He Luo heard about her dad’s concern from her mom, she waved her hand dismissively. “I’m just too happy. I know for sure I can go to California now, it’s all sunshine and beaches there.”

Zhang Yuan’s call finally made it through. He forced his voice to be low and neutral.

Dad looked at He Luo warningly. He complained, “There’s already a phone call as soon as you get back. Don’t play around until it’s too late.”

Mom added, “Yes, don’t let your dad and I worry about you all the time.”

He Luo smiled. “Don’t worry. There’s nothing much to say between us.”

Zhang Yuan waited for her in front of their former high school. He said, “Look what I found!” Outside the warehouse near the school field, the withered weeds exposed a line of words. It was from a very long, long time ago. On his birthday in their third year, He Luo had hidden her present and made a map for him to look for it. When he had found it, he used a chalk from their class to write, “THANKS.” He had even drew a smiley face beside it.

He Luo felt a sense of melancholy. After years of joy and pain, the initial traces still remained but yesterday had already drifted away. What she thought was fragile had survived the passing of years. What she thought was everlasting became exhausting. Time changed everything. Once a clear handwriting had become blurred. Not long after, it will be reduced into dust.

What can they do now? Can they use new strokes to enforce the faint memories?

“Have you decided where you’ll study?” Zhang Yuan asked.

“Who told you I received offers?” He Luo frowned. “Who told you to do this?”

“Why would you think that way?”

“Because you’re no longer escaping.” He Luo got up.

“What is it that I’m escaping from?”

“You have always been escaping,” she said. “When you have problems, you have never once thought of solving them with me. In high school when I talked about studying abroad, you threw all responsibility to me. When you decided we were no longer walking in the same path, you let go of my hand. You think the future is uncertain and that you can’t promise me anything, so you act like we are good friends and that nothing happened between us. In the beginning I thought you’re doing all this out of consideration for me.”

“But have you ever thought that I would be very tired by this? When I decided to give up, I understood everything. You’ve chosen the easiest path for yourself. When you say you’re doing this out of consideration for me, it’s only because you don’t want to take responsibility for my future. You’re afraid you can’t fulfill this responsibility.”

She said everything in one breath and her stance was firm. It caught Zhang Yuan by surprise. He stared at her, his voice low as he said slowly, “Is that how you see me? Back then, how could I take responsibility for your future? It’s easy to give you empty cheques [promises] but what about fulfilling my promise? If I allow you to live an uncertain life with me, will you not regret? Will your family agree?”

He breathed in deeply. “I couldn’t at all give you the future you wanted. I admit, back then it was idealistic of me to want to be an entrepreneur. I’ve been defeated many times in this journey. Compared to being a postgraduate student, it’ll not a stable future. But I’ve already decided on this path. Wouldn’t you have disagreed? Rather than us torturing each other, we might as well put some distance between us for us to think. It’s not that I never planned or that I didn’t want to take responsibility for your future. It’s only when my career is in a stable place, that I can promise you stability.”

“You’re so certain I would be always waiting for you?” He Luo was angered. “There’s someone who is very kind to me. If it’s not because I always wanted to go back to you, I would have long become someone else’s girlfriend!”

“I believed in you…” Zhang Yuan said with certainty.

“You trust your instinct too much!” He Luo interrupted him. “And you have said it yourself. You didn’t come to Beijing for me. Did these words come from someone else?”

Zhang Yuan burst out laughing. “Did I say that? Oh… I’ve said it once. You didn’t know what happened back then.” He told her how he met Zheng Qing Yin then. “Boss Zheng’s position was that he will only look at my abilities, not at any feelings issues.”

He Luo was silent. In the next moment, she snapped, “No wonder you came and took photos with me. Those photos were for Zheng Qing Yin, weren’t they? You didn’t directly reject her and you even took advantage of me! I’m really a fool.”

“Under those circumstances, I can only think of you,” Zhang Yuan said. “Back then, I don’t have the courage to tell you to come back to my side. If the big boss kicked me out of the company, all my efforts would be wasted. I’m not afraid of starting over, but I can’t give you a future without any guarantee. You have to understand, you’re ultimately still in my heart. I want you to be live well and be happy.”

But I am not at all happy in these few years. He Luo suppressed her tears and looked at the sky. She tried hard to keep her tears from flowing.

Zhang Yuan quietly said, “He Luo, that’s because I always felt like I owed you. So I didn’t dare to come closer, out of fear I would owe you all that much more.”

He Luo smiled wryly. “Please don’t feel like you owe me anything. If there’s really a debt, you wouldn’t be able to repay me your entire life! But I was happy when I was with you. You’ve given me happiness and romance that no one else could.” She held back the later part of her sentence: But you’ve also give me pain and injury no one could.

“I was also happy when I was with you.” These familiar words were once again coming out of Zhang Yuan’s mouth. “Is it too late to say all these?”

“Yes, it’s too late. If you’ve told me a few months earlier, I could still accept it.” He Luo got up and walked out the school gate. “But I’ve already put all my heart into the issue of studying abroad. I can no longer backtrack, you know?” Besides, I don’t dare to backtrack anymore. I don’t know how to confidently face the uncertain years ahead, separated half an earth apart.

Zhang Yuan yelled after her. “He Luo, give me another chance. Stay!”

He Luo stopped. “Stay? You’re really chauvinistic! Since you said you have included me in your future plans, then come overseas with me, is that okay?”

Zhang Yuan laughed. “You want to F2 me?”

He Luo’s expression was stern. “Why not? But can you give up your career here?”

Zhang Yuan said nothing.

He Luo smiled wanly. “I too can’t give up my future. My university admission was also the result of my efforts. If our efforts are going to end up like foam, then we might as well forget the world [in difficult circumstances, help each other with what little we have, even if it sometimes includes giving up our obsession to meet the new world].”

“Why can’t we roam the world together?” Zhang Yuan caught up to He Luo, standing beside her. “No matter how many years it take, I can wait for your return.”

“Did I say I would return?” He Luo looked at the sky desolutely. “The world is too wide, we’ve long become estranged. Don’t you get it?”

Dad was teaching He Luo how to drive. She was in a daze. She would sometimes forget to turn on the turn signal. When she stopped the car, she would not stop in line. When she started the car, the engine would die.

“Stop, stop. You’re not paying attention. This is too dangerous!” Dad sighed. “Luo Luo, do you have anything on your mind? You’re so sad the past few months.”

“Who told you I’m sad?” He Luo was still stubborn.

“You’re our daughter. How could we not be able to tell? Your mom and I treat you like our precious baby. When you’re unhappy, we also won’t be happy. All these years, we’ve never let you be this unhappy. We’ve also never seen you force your smile like this.” Dad hesitated for a moment, as if he was making a difficult decision. “I once said you can’t let a boy interfere with your choice of a lifetime. But you’re our baby. When we see you this exhausted, mom and I don’t feel happy at all. Forget it. If you love him, just go. It doesn’t matter if you don’t go overseas or can’t get a job, dad will support you.”

He Luo’s vision blurred momentarily. She stopped the car aside and collapsed at the steering wheel, sobbing. “Daddy, it’s impossible. There’s no more hope for us.”

At the end of May, Zhang Yuan came to Beijing and asked He Luo when she was leaving. “I’ll go send you off, is that okay?”

“No. I’ll be going to embassy to get my visa in two days. I don’t want to argue with you again. It will affect my mood,” she said.

Cai Man Xin had finished her internship and persuaded He Luo to go on a trip with her after she got her visa. When she refused, Cai Man Xin panicked. “You still want to see him? Hurry up and leave this sad place!”

He Luo smiled mournfully. “Leave? I’ll be chased out of this place soon. It’s better to just die cruelly and mercilessly like this, lest I have any illusions after I’m overseas.”

“You mean, you still have illusions previously?”

“No.” He Luo shook her head. “But perhaps I would think of the past and reminisce.”

The United States embassy was packed with people and the air-conditioning was left on full blast. He Luo only wore a short-sleeved t-shirt, she was breaking out in goosebumps all over. She smiled as she answered the visa officer’s questions. Since she was on a full scholarship to a famed university and spoke fluent English, the officer smiled and said, “Go to Window 10, good luck!”

Outside the embassy, the weather was 40 degrees. Holding the visa, she stood on the street, the comfort of air-conditioning slowly disappearing. The sun was blazing above her, the shadow at her feet was shrinked into a small figure. There was endless people who came over and asked, “How is the situation today?” There were even people stuffing flyers into He Luo’s hands. In the moment she felt dizzy, a hand pulled her over under the shade. Something cool was placed on her forehead.

Zhang Yuan’s slender figure was wrapped in backlight. Both his hands were holding a large bottle of yoghurt drink. “Your favourite drink in original flavour.”

After the anger had dissipated, any argument had become pointless. The two of them no longer continued to be stubborn with each other. Zhang Yuan wanted to call for a taxi but He Luo wanted to go on the bus to see the scenery around their hometown. Fortunately, there were few people on the bus. She leaned against the window, feeling the breeze in her face. The ruthless future caused her to feel stuffy and out of breath.

This bus was not in the path to He Luo’s university. The two of them got off at the terminal. They didn’t take another bus and only walked on. When they passed a sports institute, Zhang Yuan pointed at the climbing wall inside. “This is much shorter than the one in your campus. Do you want to try climbing?”

“I don’t like risky things.” He Luo shook her head.

Zhang Yuan smiled. His hand on the edge of the fence, he easily turned over. He easily climbed to the top. He didn’t wear any protective gear, there wasn’t anything to restrict him. He Luo smiled.

A few children who were playing basketball came over, staring at Zhang Yuan as they shouted, “Big brother, hurry up and come down. It’ll hurt if you fall. Big sister will worry.”

He Luo was holding Zhang Yuan’s phone and wallet, her heart unbelievably heavy. Forgetting the world and forgetting the time, she only wanted to greedily remember today’s sunshine, sweat, and that calmness at the end.

He Luo departed from the Beijing International Airport. Zhang Yuan didn’t go and send her off. He only asked Li Yun Wei to hand He Luo a letter. When she opened it, it was his drawing of a cartoon. A little octopus was carrying a sign that said, “The Ten Commandments of the Octopus [Zhang Yu].”

1) Stop eating sweet stuff. A girl as wide as boxes couldn’t get past the boarding gate.

2) Stop staying up. The same girl with dark circles and red eyes.

The list went on.

The last one was simple, like a few fan-like gingko leaves falling in the autumn. He wrote, “Stop losing confidence in yourself. I believe in you like I believe in myself.”

Words she had once told him, now that it had returned to her, her heart ache. She took out her phone, opened the draft box, and read the sentence in it repeatedly: “The one I like you is still you.”

She deleted the text and turned off her phone.

Yesterday was something that, other than the 64 kg baggage limit the airline had set, she could not bring with her.

The plane travelled through thick clouds, over 30,000 ft high across the ocean. Flying over the horizon, the sound of conversation in the plane gradually quieted. A middle-aged blonde woman asked kindly, “Miss, it’s time for rest. Can I pull down the shutters?”

He Luo nodded. The last rays of sunshine in the hemisphere eventually died. When the last gleam of golden light disappeared, a heavy heart sank in the boundless deep sea.

She could no longer hold in her tears and allowed them to flow freely.

That day, standing at the intersection of their parting, the sunset was red and brilliant.

Zhang Yuan had asked, “Are we just going to say goodbye like this?”

“Yes. From now on, let’s both…” He Luo’s voice languished as she continued, “...respectively seek our own happiness in the future.”

She could no longer go on. She avoided Zhang Yuan’s outstretched hands and turned around, hailing a taxi. She did not turn to see him rooted in his place, his figure getting smaller and smaller in the rear-view mirror.

From now on, they will be flying on their own.

Let the past be the past. It was too late for her to start falling for him all over again.

Just let it be.

Let us part.

Forget everything.

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