Suddenly, This Summer 7 // Take a Deep Breath

Autumn in the north came and went swiftly. At the end of October, the skies were crystal clear. The weather had gradually became colder, the grey-green leaves on the Japanese creeper near the school wall had turned into a wine red colour, covered with a layer of white frost. The leaves off the Siberian silver birch had gradually turned yellow. A gentle sweep from the wind was enough to make to leaves fall swirling.

After class, there would students who would select a leaf with a long stem and pulled it, one person holding one end. They competed to which end was more durable. The kids here dubbed it gang gang zi. Zhang Yuan twisted the stem, laughing. “I’ve won 33 stems in a row!” He jumped to the cemented bank next to the pond. “Those who are not satisfied come and try me!”

Tian Xin pushed Li Yun Wei. “Look at your seatmate laugh, I want so badly to knock him down a few notches. There’s actually someone in year 1 who said he looks like Rukawa Kaede [from Slam Dunk].”

“His appearance looks like Rukawa Kaede but his smile is like Hanamichi’s.” Li Yun Wei snorted loudly. “But those silly kids couldn’t see him when he’s emitting his killer aura, Zhang Yuan on the basketball court looks very serious.” She hesitated for a moment before saying, “I have something to add, you all have to keep it a secret. That day my seatmate received a letter and I accidentally saw it. On it were the words: Senior Zhang Yuan.”

“What a joke! Did they think this is a Japanese comic or a Taiwanese novel?” Tian Xin rushed Li Yun Wei to continue. “What happened next, what happened?”

“I also found it ridiculous and felt goosebumps all over. I didn’t look anymore.” Li Yun Wei loosened her shoulders. “I just saw that the letter was really gaudy [flowery].”

The two of them exchanged glances, and then looked at He Luo.

“Slam Dunk is airing lately and it’s not surprising that little girls will try and find someone in their daily lives that they can project their fantasies to,” He Luo said. “Teacher Lin was looking for me earlier to talk about entering a competition, I’ll go see her in the English language office.”

“He Luo this brat, why doesn’t she has any sense of crisis at all!” Li Yun Wei stamped her feet. “A woman chasing a man is like being separated by a veil, a man chasing a woman is like being separated by a mountain [it’s easier for a woman to chase a man than the other way around]! Now the other person has already stepped right outside her window, she’s still acting like there’s nothing wrong. I even betrayed my seatmate’s privacy just for her sake.”

“Perhaps He Luo really doesn’t like Zhang Yuan and thinks of him as a good friend?”

“Don’t sing revolutionary songs in the future, sing a couple of love songs and you’ll get what I mean. Being good friends and liking someone is completely two different things!”

“Look at you, you speak like you’re well-experienced,” Tian Xin retorted.

Li Yun Wei snorted and refused to reply.

Walking past the corner of the classroom, He Luo turned around and stared at Zhang Yuan from a distance. He was still bumbling joyfully like a child. The sunlight warmly poured all over him, lighting his hair a faint gold.

She couldn’t help a smile. The Zhang Yuan right now was a completely different person from the Zhang Yuan on the court. The him during the men’s basketball competition was serious, carefree, calm. His display of relentless determination had stolen many hearts. When he managed to break his rival’s ball, a glimpse of light flashed across his dark eyes, as sly as a fox. When he leaped high in the air, adjusting his posture mid-air, he was as elegant as a hawk.

When the boy wiped his sweat, it was as if he was re-enacting a most vivid youth, as if all obstacles in life could be overcome. What He Luo admired the most was this sense of confidence.

She understood that such a Zhang Yuan would not only attract her alone.

A few days ago was the semi-finals. He Luo and the rest of her classmates stood on the side-lines cheering for him. The opponents were defeated badly and one of their throws flew directly at the audience. Zhang Yuan took wide strides and blocked He Luo. She only felt a gush of wind sweeping her and all the air in front of her felt non-existent.

A vacuum. So quiet that she was unable to breathe.

Thanks to Zhang Yuan’s long arms, he merely touched the ball with the tips of his fingers and caught the ball. Yet his foot has stepped outside the white line. He has gone out of the boundary.

“How handsome! Did you see that? No. 9 is so handsome!” A young girl next to He Luo screamed excitedly, shaking the arm of her classmate. “In one moment he had already come running! If not the ball would have hit me.”

“Yes, yes!” A bunch of people chimed. “A hero saving a beauty!”

After the game, the girl bought a bottle of Coke and shoved it into Zhang Yuan’s hands. “Thanks for that earlier, this is my treat!”

“Don’t worry about it.” Zhang Yuan returned the Coke to her. “This isn’t necessary. Drinking carbonated drinks after exercising will cause bloating.”

“Then what do you like to drink?” She persevered on.

“Black and green tea perhaps.” He answered without much thought before immediately adding, “You don’t have to buy me any, we have already prepared saline water.” He turned around but didn’t see He Luo who was responsible for the drinks. When he returned to class, he complained, “Do you want to make me die of thirst?”

“I saw that you’re chatting happily so I didn’t want to disturb you. Besides, she bought you Coke but you didn’t accept it, you’re really not leaving her any face. She’s still a little girl from year 1.”

Zhang Yuan curled his lip and asked, “Where’s the kettle?”

Afterwards that girl appeared in the training ground a few times and brought him iced tea. As she ran away, she turned around and smiled sweetly.

It so happened at that moment Tian Xin was obsessing over the other class’ rebound king and constantly felt that the boy was either intentionally or unintentionally glancing at her. He Luo observed as she went on doing her exercises. She said, “I think you’re so infatuated that all you see is rose-tinted. He’s obviously not wearing his glasses, the target of his gaze is not clear. When you like someone, you subconsciously hope that his every gaze is a thoughtful one, his every word has a deeper meaning. A crush is actually your imagination interacting with your feelings.”

Tian Xin stared at her admiringly. “Jie Jie, in the future you should learn psychology!”

She turned around as she twisted her waist and saw Zhang Yuan who was behind her seemingly listening attentively. She knew that she was highlighting Marxist-Leninist principles: it was easy to find someone, but impossible to find yourself. Even as she said this much to Tian Xin, didn’t she herself wish Zhang Yuan was observing her every move?

If that was so, according to the legends in the romance novels and comics, the cool and handsome boy should only show tenderness to the girl he likes and would be standoffish to his other admirers, wasn’t that how it went? But Zhang Yuan would nod and accept the girl’s black tea each time, and after a few times, would smile at her, and even talk to her under the basketball net.

Her name was Zheng Qing Yin. Her steps were so light that she seemed to be dancing, her voice high and crisp. When she was surprised, she would cover her mouth. With her black eyes widened, she would say, “Really? Is that true? I really can’t believe it!”

Li Yun Wei said she was fake and pretentious.

He Luo understood that she was trying to comfort her. Zheng Qing Yin was not being coy, her innocence was truly natural. Because she was pampered by her parents. He Luo had once saw her getting into a car after school, a black Mercedes-Benz driven by a respectful chauffeur.

A little princess born with a silver spoon in her mouth, delicate and brilliant.

He Luo thought about the comments she received about her own appearance: dignified, elegant. It felt a little like they were describing a representative female communist in the 1930s and 1940s.

Zhang Yuan often played basketball after school but always carried a piece of chocolate to fend off any hunger. When Zheng Qing Yin saw this, she cried that she wanted some, snatched it from his hand, and took a bite.

He Luo pressed her lips into a straight line, understanding her feelings were jealousy.

*

A lot of her classmates were unwilling to do complimentary homework and whenever there were check-ups, they would run east and east to find someone else’s to show their teachers. During lunch break, a boy from her former class came to borrow He Luo’s history homework. After she checked his, she said, “We don’t share the same teacher. We didn’t leave out the second and third major question.”

“Where do I find the map?”

“The ninth chapter.”

 “The major question? Give me some hint.”

“I really didn’t read it.”

“Your dad is a history professor back in the old days, a near-death camel is bigger than a horse [a person with special skills, even without knowledge, is better than a half-baked one]!”

He Luo wanted to quickly send him away so she could go and see Zhang Yuan and the others play the finals. But she suddenly glimpsed Zheng Qing Yin bumbling over and peeked her head at the door. With a smile, she asked, “Is Zhang Yuan here?”

“This question, let me see it…” He Luo took the exercise book and leaned sideways at the door. The boy standing next to her chattered endlessly, asking this and that. She overlapped her shadow with his, intentionally and unintentionally.

Zhang Yuan expressionlessly stepped out past the two people at the door. “If you’re going to chat please don’t block the road, okay?”

He Luo’s gaze followed him and saw him and Zheng Qing Yin standing near the window in the walkway. He barely said a few words before the girl laughed. She couldn’t hear clearly what they said. He Luo tried to strain her ears to eavesdrop as she stared at the exercise book mechanically.

The two of them lowered their voices and whispered for a long time. “Then that’s decided!” Her voice was sweet but not saccharine. “Good luck with your game later!”

“Absolutely!” Zhang Yuan also smiled, giving her a two-finger salute.

It was only a few minutes but it felt like a painful few hours to He Luo. She absent-mindedly pointed the key points of a few major questions. A few times she accidentally called the German Silesian textile workers uprising as the Siberian uprising. The boy seemed to be completely dumbfounded. He asked, “Are you sure you passed your geography test?”

Zhang Yuan finally walked over smilingly and glanced at them. “You’ve changed the topic to tutoring? You really have endless things to talk about, you’re really amazing!” He hugged his fist with his other hand and laughed, “This humble one admires you.”

He Luo rolled her eyes. She thought, Right back at you.

*

The game was extremely boring. Zheng Qing Yin stood at the side-lines and pulled at the person next to her saying, “That number 9 plays really well, doesn’t he? I know him, he’s Zhang Yuan from year 2 class 6!”

“That brat, I really want to slap her twice on the face!” Tian Xin gnashed her teeth. “She’s speaking like Zhang Yuan is hers. He Luo, you’re really not angry?”

“Why do I have to be angry? Zhang Yuan is not hers, he is not mine either.” He Luo smiled innocently. “We’re sure to win this competition. Since there won’t be any suspense, I’ll return to class to do my homework.”

The games for the year 1 boys followed the game. Zheng Qing Yin had asked for Zhang Yuan’s help to guide them earlier. She often waited outside their classroom after school, greeting every student who was leaving. Zhao Cheng Jie looked her over and asked, “You come to our class every day, is it because you like your Coach Zhang?”

“Exactly!” Zheng Qing Yin answered unabashedly. “He can play basketball well, he has patience, we all really like him.”

The boys laughed and shouted at Zhang Yuan. “Winter’s here, spring’s not far off.”

“Coach Zhang, peach blossom [love fate] is here, peach blossom is here!”

With the excuse of preparing for the national English competition in November, He Luo rushed home every day and did not accompany her friends to play basketball or shop anymore.

“Zhang Yuan wouldn’t really have fallen for that little girl from year 1, would he. He seems to be quite willing to strategize for their class.” Bai Lian stared at He Luo’s receding back and sighed.

“Boys like to be worshipped,” Tian Xin resolutely decided.

*

Come early November, the skies have turned overcast. The temperature difference between day and night was stark. The skies darkened before it was even five o’ clock in the evening. When He Luo passed by the field, she saw Zhang Yuan and a bunch of year 1 kids. He said something that she couldn’t decipher and Zheng Qing Yin went over and pretended to hit him. One, two… He bent over sideways as he laughed, lightly avoiding her fists. The night wind was already this cold, carrying a hint of bitterness. Yet Zhang Yuan was only wearing a grey sweater, his white-and-blue jacket was on Zheng Qing Yin. It was so big that it overwhelmed her, the sleeves were rolled few times before she could see her palms.

She remembered that sweater, the grey turtleneck. The pattern was once etched on the boy’s face. Back then he smiled as he picked up her gloves and said, “You bite the hand that feeds you. I’ll remember you forever.” A joke was just a joke. She was the only one who wrote in her diary, mulling the words over and over. Without her noticing it, the spring [love] has passed and autumn had arrived.

He Luo felt that winter was closing in, her teeth were chattering.

On her way home, a light snow suddenly poured, so light that it was powdery. A snowflake even fell onto He Luo’s eyelashes. Each time she blinked, it would stick her upper and lower lashes together, so painfully that she wanted to cry. Standing in front of the stop, she took out her jacket and covered her head with it. She remembered that his was on some other girl’s body, a subtle feeling taking root in her heart.

She took a deep breath and refused to let her tears fall. The days with you, I’ll imprint it in my heart. Heartbreak, amidst the bustling streets, my despair you couldn’t tell. Heartbreak, in the raining night, the entire world is crying [Mavis Fan’s Take a Deep Breath].

He Luo listened to Mavis Fan’s songs sprawled on the bed. What she thought was once merely pop junk, now it had become a song that described her feelings.

I am his mineral water, he is my hot coffee.

She gathered her spirits and wanted to continue her English listening practice. But after only a few minutes, she felt sleepy all over.

Another few days later, it was the day of the English competition. He Luo had been listless throughout but thanks to her good foundation and barely passable results, she had squeezed into the finals.

She was really upset with herself and complained to Dad. “This time I didn’t practice well. Teacher Lin said with my skills, I can take the grand prize. I don’t want to lose.”

“Don’t be too particular about the results. Even if you did lose, it doesn’t matter. As long as you’ve tried your best.” Dad patted her head. “A person should fear losing to oneself. He Luo, did you really used all your strength in this preliminary round? Your own direction should be steered by yourself. If you’re reduced to having your feelings dictated by others, it would be too easy for you to feel hurt and disappointed.”

After He Luo pondered over it, she felt that Dad had a deeper meaning to his words. But truly, she could not continue like this. ‘I like you, you don’t like me, I will then cry and despair.’ Those were what the lovesick girls and boys in novels would do. Only they would abandon everything for love.

Further, what she felt now was just “like.” “Love” was too heavy a word. He Luo thought, I won’t let myself stay down just because of matters of the heart. I won’t now, and I won’t in the future.

She took out her diary and, together with the stack of Cipher, put them away in the box in the balcony.